Perfectionism in Children: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding, Preventing & Supporting Healthy Growth

Every parent wants to see their child succeed — but at what cost? Perfectionism in children and adolescents is on the rise. Children and teens are expecting more and more of themselves, and many struggle when they inevitably can’t live up to their own high standards.

Perfectionism isn’t always negative, but it often comes with the risk of mental health concerns and low self-esteem. In this article, we’ll discuss what perfectionism looks like in children, how it can affect their emotional well-being, and how you can help foster a healthy sense of motivation without letting it become self-destructive.

What is perfectionism in children?

Perfectionism can manifest in various ways, from striving for perfection and excellence to punishing oneself for even the slightest mistake. 

Perfectionistic children hold excessively high standards for themselves. It’s a personality trait, not a mental health symptom. However, it’s been associated with the development of certain mental health conditions like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

Perfectionism isn’t always a negative thing. Adaptive perfectionism is when perfectionism helps the child succeed without harming their mental health. For example, according to child and youth research, adaptive perfectionism is linked to academic achievement among students. 

This is also referred to as having perfectionistic strivings — setting high, but realistic, goals and standards for yourself based on your own values. For example, a child who enjoys playing the piano might practice every day because they want to perfect the piece they’re playing.

But for many young people, perfectionism comes with an unhealthy, or maladaptive, side. When perfectionism becomes unhealthy, it can damage self-esteem and mental health, even getting in the way of academic achievement. This is called having perfectionistic concerns. Children with perfectionism concerns fear making mistakes, driven by a fear of disappointing others. 

For example, a child might make a mistake on an exam and, instead of learning from it, have a hard time moving on. They may worry about what their teacher or parents will think of them, or become visibly discouraged and upset.

Signs of unhealthy perfectionism

Unhealthy (or maladaptive) perfectionism in children can seriously damage mental health and self-esteem. As a parent, it’s important to look out for warning signs so you can step in when needed. 

Here are some signs that your child may be a perfectionist (to the point where it’s hurting, not helping, them):

• They worry excessively about making mistakes.
• They tend to procrastinate because they’re worried their work won’t be “good enough.”
• They beat themselves up over even the smallest errors.
• They get very frustrated with themselves when they’re trying a new task and can’t get it right the first time.
• They experience black-and-white thinking; everything is either a “success” or a “failure.”
• They hide mistakes or lie about them to avoid disappointing others.
• They overreact to criticism or perceive neutral feedback as rejection.
• They become overly competitive or compare themselves harshly to peers.
• They avoid trying new things out of fear of failure.

Key causes and risk factors

We’re still trying to understand more about how perfectionistic traits develop in children. However, experts believe that perfectionistic traits in children are shaped by the interaction between their individual personalities and the culture and society around them. 

Some children may have a naturally more perfectionistic temperament to begin with. For example, The Iranzo-Tatay twin study and other twin work support moderate heritability to develop perfectionist tendencies. This genetic influence interacts with environmental factors, such as parenting and social expectations, which can amplify or mitigate perfectionistic tendencies. When someone also faces high expectations from the world around them, their perfectionism can worsen. 

Some specific risk factors for perfectionism include:

• Parenting style: If parents have extremely high expectations or only praise perfect outcomes, children may feel that love is conditional. This can lead them to tie their self-worth to success and become overly focused on meeting impossible standards.
• Competitive culture: Children in competitive cultures (such as competitive sports or “gifted” programs at school) may start to believe that being the best is the only acceptable outcome, which can make them anxious about failure or comparisons.
• Reward systems: Being in an environment (whether at home or at school) that prioritizes recognizing achievements over effort can teach children that mistakes have no value and that only perfect results are rewarded.
• Personality traits: Other personality traits are also linked with perfectionism. These include low levels of extraversion, low agreeableness (being less cooperative with others), and neuroticism, which is defined as a tendency to experience strong negative emotions like anxiety, guilt, or self-doubt.

Impact on mental health and development

Research shows that maladaptive perfectionism, specifically when it includes perfectionistic concerns, is highly linked to psychological problems in children. In particular, socially-prescribed perfectionism — which is when children believe that other people expect them to be perfect and that their approval depends on it — is linked with a higher risk of mental health problems.

High levels of perfectionism can increase children’s risk of mental health conditions, such as:

• Depression
• Anxiety disorders
• Eating disorders
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

Even if your child doesn’t develop a diagnosable condition, extreme perfectionism can still be harmful. It can lower self-esteem, make it harder to form friendships, and cause children to avoid challenges or give up easily when something doesn’t come naturally. Over time, this can interfere with learning and personal growth.

10 strategies to help your child overcome unhealthy perfectionism

Perfectionism isn’t a fixed trait. There are many ways you can support your child in setting aside their perfectionism and focusing on realistic goals.

Praise effort and the learning process

As adults, we sometimes inadvertently encourage perfectionism by praising outcomes instead of effort. It’s well-intentioned, but this can make children feel like they’re only worthy of praise when they do something “right.” Try to focus on praising effort and learning rather than any specific outcome. 

For example, if your child studies hard for an exam, say something like: “You’ve worked so hard on preparing for this. That shows so much dedication.”

Model mistakes and healthy self-talk

You are your child’s biggest role model, and they learn so much through watching you. Often, perfectionism is hereditary — if you have perfectionistic tendencies, then it’s more likely that your child will have them, too. It’s important to intentionally model healthy self-talk for your child, especially if you struggle with perfectionism yourself.

When you find yourself getting caught up in a perfectionistic mindset and engaging in negative self-talk, slow down and try to reframe the situation. Instead of becoming visibly frustrated with yourself for making a mistake, say something like: “Well, I tried my best. No big deal. I’ll try again next time.”

Foster a growth mindset 

Help your child develop a growth mindset by helping them see their abilities as something that can grow with practice, effort, and time. When they make mistakes, remind them that failure is part of learning — not a reflection of their worth.

A key component of the growth mindset is helping children think in terms of “yet.” If they get frustrated that they can’t solve a problem, help them reframe it to “I can’t do it yet.” This can help them focus more on the learning process rather than the final result.

Teach positive self-talk

Children can start learning about positive self-talk from an early age. Teach them how to use affirmations, especially when they’re feeling frustrated with themselves. Examples include “I can learn from this,” “Nobody’s perfect,” or “I can try again.”. Affirmations can get more complex as the child gets older. 

It can help to create visual reminders of affirmations, like notecards on the refrigerator or post-its on their mirror. Again, being a good role model can make a big difference here. Talk to yourself (out loud) the way you’d like your child to talk to themselves.

Highlight diverse role models

Try to find different role models for your child who didn’t do everything “perfectly.” When your child admires someone, try to teach them the fullness of that person's story. Include every step that person needed to take to get to where they are today. Emphasize the mistakes and failures they had to go through to finally reach their goals.

This can help your child see that even people they look up to had setbacks and still succeeded.

Encourage open emotional communication

Being a perfectionist as a child can be an incredibly lonely experience. Your child may not have the emotional vocabulary to express how they’re feeling when they become frustrated with themselves. Or, they may experience shame around their emotional reactions.

Make sure you’re keeping an open line of communication, even when you don’t see them struggling. Give them tools to identify and name their emotions. Ask them open questions like, “How are you feeling about this?” “What part felt hardest?” or “What are you proud of yourself for?”

Introduce coping skills

Perfectionistic children may face intense and painful emotions when they aren’t able to meet their unrealistic expectations. Part of helping them deal with perfectionism may be teaching them coping skills to manage these emotions when they arise.

The appropriate coping skills will depend on your child’s age and developmental level. For example, younger children might use simple breathing exercises, like pretending to “blow bubbles” to practice slow breathing.  Older children and adolescents can start learning about mindfulness and grounding techniques.

Set realistic goals and celebrate small wins

Helping children set high expectations for themselves can be healthy. It’s about switching from perfectionistic concerns — “What if I make a mistake?” — to perfectionistic strivings — “I’m going to practice this until I master it.” 

Work with your child to set realistic goals. It may help to break goals down into smaller steps so they can celebrate their successes, even if they aren’t “perfect” every step of the way. For example, if your teen is nervous about giving a presentation, start by practicing one section at a time and celebrate each step they get through.

Provide opportunities for failure

Even as adults, we’re tempted to only engage in activities we’re already good at. But without making mistakes and “failing” sometimes, your child won’t learn that it’s okay, and even helpful,  not to be perfect at everything. Try to provide your child with ample opportunities for being “bad” at something. 

For example, if they aren’t athletic, encourage them to play sports non-competitively, just for fun. Provide opportunities for them to build skills without an end goal in mind. 

Seek professional support

Therapy can help children learn to manage perfectionistic thoughts, negative self-talk, and the emotions that come with them. A therapist can teach your child to identify unhelpful thinking patterns, understand the origins of their perfectionism, and practice self-compassion when things don’t go as planned. 

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help children reframe self-critical thinking patterns and replace them with more realistic, encouraging thoughts. CBT is also helpful for managing symptoms of depression and anxiety. Exposure and response prevention (ERP) can be helpful if perfectionism overlaps with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

Therapy can also include family work, which helps parents learn to respond to their child’s perfectionism in ways that reduce pressure and reinforce healthy effort. For children who experience intense anxiety or depression alongside perfectionism, medication may also be part of their treatment plan when prescribed by a psychiatrist. 

How Emora Health can help

At Emora Health, our licensed and specialized clinicians support children and families in understanding the root causes of perfectionism and building healthier coping patterns. We use evidence-based therapies, such as CBT and mindfulness-based approaches, to help children build self-compassion, psychological flexibility, and confidence.

If your child struggles with perfectionism or low self-esteem, get started with Emora Health today. Don’t wait to get them the support they need. Together, we can help your child build resilience and learn that their worth isn’t defined by being perfect. You can get an appointment with a licensed child therapist in as little as 2 days.