How to Deal With a Defiant Teenager (Without Losing the Relationship)

Why teenagers get defiant

Adolescence is all about independence. In fact, Erikson’s stages of development describe the teenage years (12 to 18) as “identity vs. role confusion:” basically, figuring out who they are and what is expected of them at home, in school, and with friends. But this exploration can lead to conflict between you and your teen, because they’re pushing boundaries and experimenting.

There’s some neuroscience involved here. The part of your teen’s brain that drives emotions develops before the part that regulates judgment (you might have heard of this in the context of the prefrontal cortex still developing into someone’s mid-20s). But it’s more complicated than that. The adolescent brain is very malleable, which means that it’s important to understand that your teen is going to be influenced by the behavior they see around them, including yours.

Keeping this in mind, teenage defiance could also be driven by:

• The behavior they’re observing in their peers
• Family stress that they’re picking up on
• Sleep debt (not getting enough sleep: teenagers need 9 to 9 ½ hours of sleep a night)
• Inconsistent limits (parents sending mixed messages about what is and is not acceptable behavior)
• Underlying mental health challenges such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, trauma, or substance use

Is this normal? Typical defiance vs. warning signs

Let’s examine the ladder of escalating behavior in a defiant teen to figure out how significant an issue the defiance is:

• Typical testing: Arguments, pushing limits, and rebellious behavior are to be expected as your teen’s brain develops; this is how young people start exploring who they are and what they want. But their performance in school, their friendships and peer relationships, and their physical safety are all intact.
• Concerning pattern: You and your teen are fighting most days, the fighting is escalating in intensity, and their ability to function at school or at home is breaking down.
• Clinical territory: If your child’s behavior continues to escalate and functioning is severely impaired, a professional may evaluate your teen for oppositional defiant disorder, a diagnosable mental health condition characterized by a persistent pattern of angry or irritable mood, argumentative or defiant behavior, and/or vindictiveness that can result in family conflict.
• Safety concerns: If your teen is being violent, shows signs of self-harm (like noticeable unexplained cuts or wounds and wearing long sleeves or pants in inappropriate weather), or using substances (which might lead to noticeable and sudden changes in behavior), act now by reaching out to a mental health professional.

This is not a diagnostic tool. If you’re unsure, a licensed clinician can help you sort out what you’re seeing.

How to deal with a defiant teenager: 7 strategies

These are some practical approaches to handling defiant teens.

Regulate yourself first

If you’re as upset as your teen is, a heated argument will escalate quickly and break down into a shouting match that no one will benefit from. Your calm is the intervention. It will be difficult, but staying grounded and not feeding the anger is the best way to take the wind out of your teen’s defiant sails. If you remain calm and regulate your intense emotions, your teen will have nothing to respond to, and there’s a higher likelihood of the fight fizzling out naturally.

Refuse the power struggle

Don’t argue with a dysregulated teen: it will get the both of you nowhere fast. State your limit once (e.g., “I told you to be home by 10 and you were an hour late, so you lose car privileges like we discussed”) and don’t engage after that. Continuing to argue lets your teen know that things are negotiable.

Pick your battles

Does it really matter if you don’t like your teen’s new haircut? No. Does it matter if they are taking risks that put their safety in danger or exhibit behavior that goes against your and your family’s values, such as respect and kindness? Yes. Prioritize issues of safety and values and let smaller things slide so that your teen knows when you’re being serious.

Set clear expectations and consequences

If you don’t clearly communicate what behavior you expect from your teen, it’s harder for them to meet those expectations. Clearly communicate those expectations by saying, “If your homework isn’t done by 8, your phone stays with me until it is.” Expectation and consequence all in one clear sentence.

Also make sure that the consequence fits the infraction. It would be unreasonable to say, “You didn’t finish your homework before meeting your friends so you’re grounded for a month.” If you consistently overreact, your teen will learn that your expectations are unreasonable and have more incentive to push back.

The other side of that coin is that it’s also important to follow through with the consequences. If you make empty threats over and over, your teen will quickly recognize that your words don’t mean anything and they can behave however they want.

Catch them doing it right

In research from multiple studies, positive reinforcement and labeled praise were shown to work better than punishment for changed behavior. Hearing repeatedly how well they’re doing and being recognized for the positive things rather than feeling persecuted by constant criticism is a much more effective way to modify your teen’s behavior.

When they’ve done something you approve of, let them know how you felt about it in no uncertain terms, and be specific: “I loved the way you talked to your sister just now. You were very empathetic and supportive.”

When they feel seen and recognized, your teen might naturally want to keep receiving praise, and act accordingly.

Listen more than you lecture

Curiosity before correction. If you see your teen behaving in a way you don’t approve of, ask them about their behavior before criticizing it. It’s possible that there were circumstances involved that you don’t understand, or there is information you couldn’t have had that dictated your teen’s behavior. Don’t react until you have all the facts: your teen will appreciate your open-mindedness and willingness to listen, and they are more likely to feel heard.

Repair after the blowup

Just because you and your teen got mad at each other doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. After a fight, ask to speak with your teenager about what happened. Name what occurred, own your part, restate the limit, and reconnect. This strengthens the parent-child relationship.

You can use this script:

“I know we just argued about you missing your curfew, and I got very angry. The problem was that you didn’t come home on time when I asked you to, but I overreacted. I’m sorry, and I want you to know that I will always love you no matter what.”

What not to do

Here’s what to avoid with your defiant teen:

• Harsh or escalating punishment: This backfires. Not only does positive reinforcement work better than punishment, but if your teen experiences your responses as unfair and cruel, they’ll be even more likely to push back.
• Taking the bait mid-meltdown: Escalating while you’re both upset only makes things worse.
• Lecturing during the storm: Even if you’re right, they won’t be receptive to it in the heat of things. Listen, don’t lecture.
• Taking it personally: They’re exploring their identity and boundaries, not condemning you as a parent or a person.
• Inconsistency between caregivers: If you and your partner aren’t on the same page about how to deal with your teen’s defiance, you can’t make a united front and provide your teen with consistent attention and care.

When defiance is a sign of something more

There are a number of diagnosable mental health problems that can present as anger and defiance in teenagers, including anxiety, depression, ADHD, trauma, and substance use. Keep a look out for the following signs that might be co-occurring with irritability and anger:

• Anxiety: Persistent worry, feeling restless or on edge, difficulty concentrating, sleep problems and fatigue, unexplained aches and pains
• Depression: Sadness or hopelessness, loss of interest or pleasure in things, low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness or guilt, changes in sleep and appetite, self-harm or suicidality
• ADHD: Difficulty sustaining attention, impulsivity, restlessness or hyperactivity, and difficulty with organization or following through on tasks
• Trauma: Difficulty regulating emotions, impulsive or risky behavior, persistent fear, feeling numb
• Substance use: Sudden or unexplained behavioral changes, declining school performance, increased secrecy, changes in sleep or appearance, withdrawal from usual family or social activities

These are not comprehensive lists of symptoms and should not be used to label or diagnose. If you’re seeing any of these signs of potential underlying problems and are concerned for your teen, seek out an assessment from a mental health professional.

Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) is another possible mental health condition. ODD typically begins during childhood and is characterized by a persistent pattern of angry or irritable mood, argumentative or defiant behavior, and/or vindictiveness. ODD can only be diagnosed by a professional, not by a checklist. The same is true of every condition listed above.

Do you need to send your teen away?

Usually, the answer is no. Most defiance responds well to outpatient therapy and changes at home that support the work your teen is doing with their therapist.

In some cases, a higher level of care may be necessary when a teen has serious mental health or behavioral needs that cannot be safely or effectively managed in an outpatient setting. However, research on residential programs has failed to consistently support their efficacy. There have been some studies on the effectiveness of wilderness programs in treating antisocial and violent behavior in teens, especially when facilitated by mental health professionals, but a lot of information has come out in the past few years about how neglectful, abusive, and traumatizing those programs can be.

The decision to place your teen in residential treatment should be made in consultation with qualified mental health professionals after considering your teen’s individual needs, safety, treatment history, and less restrictive alternatives, not solely on marketing claims from a program.

How therapy helps (your teen, and you)

Teens can benefit from professional help because it increases their support network by giving them a neutral adult to trust in who won’t judge them for their behavior. Having a place where your teen doesn’t have to defend themselves and their actions makes it easier to consider their behavior and make better choices. A therapist can also help your teen develop emotional regulation skills so that they’re not always leaping before they look.

Emora matches teens with a licensed clinician who specializes in treating adolescents, virtually and covered by most insurance plans.

But Emora also treats parents. We know that parenting a defiant teen is exhausting, so we have parenting specialists who provide you the therapy you need as well. Learn healthier ways to respond to your teen’s defiance, practice setting and maintaining boundaries, and take care of your own mental health as you and your teenager get through this difficult period together.

What if your teen refuses to go to therapy? That’s fine: you can start with your own session. The changes you make at home can open the door to changes in their behavior as well.

If you or your teen are ready to start therapy, sign up today with Emora.